[lucien's mind scrambling like oh goddess did it feel like i was flaunting the fact that someone undid my deaths to him??? WAS I RUBBING IT IN HIS SURVIVOR GUILT-RIDDEN FACE???]
[I DON'T LIKE FUNNIER but lucien will assume he was in fact rubbing his deaths/undos in tokinaga's face out of lack of awareness for whatever this funnier thing is. makes mental note never to mention this again.
[thinks about how obikawa was telling lucien about his hangouts with tokinaga and lucien was internally like i cannot picture this because all i ever do with tokinaga is have depressing conversations with him
anyway.]
... I know I'm not in any position to say anything, but I hope you find the path that will let you get what you want, without sacrificing too much of your ability to be happy.
[he won't say happiness, because tokinaga clearly isn't happy right now to begin with, so this is a wish for his future.]
[ He punks your ass sometimes and you just get sad about it :(
My god you don't know the half of it when it comes to happiness truly the kind that wraps around to also being funny. What's he doing. His happiest moments were with Obikawa (past tense)...... ]
It was already lucky enough that the incident with Obikawa didn't end up a lot worse like it could have. I should count my blessings, I know.
[ He just... has an incredibly difficult time trying to justify the positives when the negatives are like, well, people fuckin' died. ]
... I know in practice, there's nothing I can do, but if there is ever anything—even anything that could make things a bit easier for you here—please, let me know.
[he says this knowing tokinaga won't, and maybe it's hypocritical coming from someone who's in a state of "wait and see" for himself, but.]
You may not believe you deserve better, but... again, I truly hope that you get what you want, without it being entirely at your expense as well.
he can't judge tokinaga's bracket meta, given that his own approach to his duties, but still. there is once again the silent look of someone who isn't sure how much of that is a sincere answer, and how much of it is a deflection.]
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... Does it come at any risk to you?
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Anyway he's sat in quiet again even longer... fingers curling a bit in his lap. Really debating it here. ]
...I'll probably become like this permanently, instead of what's hopefully just a trade-off from the river, for starters.
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...]
But it would be worth it to you?
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anyway.]
... I know I'm not in any position to say anything, but I hope you find the path that will let you get what you want, without sacrificing too much of your ability to be happy.
[he won't say happiness, because tokinaga clearly isn't happy right now to begin with, so this is a wish for his future.]
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My god you don't know the half of it when it comes to happiness truly the kind that wraps around to also being funny. What's he doing. His happiest moments were with Obikawa (past tense)...... ]
It was already lucky enough that the incident with Obikawa didn't end up a lot worse like it could have. I should count my blessings, I know.
[ He just... has an incredibly difficult time trying to justify the positives when the negatives are like, well, people fuckin' died. ]
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You don't have to count your blessings. You're allowed to grieve for what's been lost.
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You don't need to worry about that. I do that plenty.
[ Many would say too much. ]
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Is there no one who can help you?
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It's my fault anyway, so I'll do what it takes to fix it.
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If there was, I would've caved already.
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[that's something too familiar to him already.]
If you find what you seek here, do you think that could help at all?
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It sounds pretty fantastical, but a lot of unbelievable things have happened to me in the last while, so why write this opportunity off early?
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[he says this knowing tokinaga won't, and maybe it's hypocritical coming from someone who's in a state of "wait and see" for himself, but.]
You may not believe you deserve better, but... again, I truly hope that you get what you want, without it being entirely at your expense as well.
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I like seeing young people like you doing their best. It reminds me I should too.
[ For them, not for him. ]
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he can't judge tokinaga's bracket meta, given that his own approach to his duties, but still. there is once again the silent look of someone who isn't sure how much of that is a sincere answer, and how much of it is a deflection.]
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I don't know how I should prove it to you...
[ Thinks... ]
...There's this girl I want to make sure lives a good life.
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A girl?
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[oh, wait, tokinaga banned him from saying that.]
... She is fortunate to have someone like you looking out for her, it sounds like.
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Man, it's really cold. Should we go back down?
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he presses his fingers to his temple for a bit, as though trying to ward off any incoming fever, before he nods.]
All right. Do you need any help?
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